Marie told me this weekend that she missed the funny posts. I haven't had much funny to talk about lately, mostly because I spend my free time staring at blank Word documents desperately attempting to fill them with something moderately intelligent, in hopes that I might be permitted to register for next semester's MABC offerings.
Well, the Lord granted Marie a story today...here it is.
I went to the eye doctor. I needed my yearly exam, plus I'm looking into Lasik. So, the appointment was about and hour and a half because of all the additional junk that needed done for the Lasik stuff. Dr. Mike is pretty good at small talk but about 45 minutes in we were running out of topics. There was a seemingly long pause at which time I'm thinking: you know I bet it's weird for eye doctors to get used to being in such close proximity to people at first, kinda like it was wierd for me as a dental hygienist spending my day with stangers heads more-less in my lap. They do have to get within like an inch of your face, that is a far cry from our comfortable 3 feet of personal space.
In the silence I ask: "So, was it hard for you in the beginning to get close to people."
I soon discovered I hadn't chosen my words as carefully as I should've.
Dr Mike's reply was, ok wait. Here's some background on Dr. Mike - he's young, very athletic, intelligent...let's lay it on the table shall we? By all definitions, he be smokin'.
Keep these things in mind and continue.
He looks at me a bit strangely and begins:
"Well Melissa, it can be hard to get close to people. Add that to the way our generation communicates, so many electronics, I think it is very hard. I think it's even harder for men. We're just so confused with what women want these days. Do I open the door or do I not? Will she be offended if I don't show that kindness, or would she be offended if she thinks I think she can't open the door? I haven't dated much. During the course of my first dating relatinoship I did find it very hard for me to get close to her, but we worked through it. It is possible and it can happen. And, now my wife and I, we have the best relationship. We're very close, in fact we just got back from vacation, in Palm Springs"...blah blah and it goes on...Dr. Mike's relationship hotline in the course of the "how about 1, is 1a little cloudy or two better, ok 3, is 3 better or worse than 4, is 4 clearer...now 7, is 7 better or about the same as 8, 7 or 8."
Before he got much past "well Melissa" I could feel the blood pooling in my head, the redness and embarrasment rising and my ears sweating. This is all while he's inches from my face. I was thinking, do I interupt him and tell him what I really meant or just let him go on?
I let him go on and decided I was done asking questions for this visit. I'll go ahead and say what we all are thinking: it's not a far stretch of the imagination to think Maulding needs some relationship advice. I just don't need it from a dude I see once a year and has a degree in optical anatomy.
So, now I HAVE to get LASIK, not because I'm getting these rotten headaches, or because my contacts are so dry anymore that I want to scratch out my eyeballs at least once a day, but because HELLO I can't go back in there!
EVER!
I don't know if he thought I was hitting on him or just so pathetic I was asking my optometrist for relationship advice.
There you go Marie; I hope you're happy now.
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11 comments:
You are hilarious, MKATE! I love theses stories that only seem to happen to you! Priceless!
I ended up getting LASIK a few years ago (actually PRK...cause my cornias werent thick enough for LASIK). They had to scrape off my cornia rather than laser it off. Not fun, but it was the best thing I EVER did...well besides trusting Christ for my salvation! lol.
So, I say go for it!
If you have any questions send them my way!
That was pretty much the funniest thing I've read all week.
I pretty much just laughed out loud at the written version, even though I just heard the in person version last night.
Oh, MKate, I've been so busy lately that I haven't really been able to read much on blogs. I decided to splurge a little bit this morning and BOY AM I GLAD I chose to read yours--this was hilarious and TOTALLY worth the dishes that are still in the sink.
Well, I'm glad I know why God made me...
Jer, Dr. Mike says I have miles of cornea, so I think I'm good...and I think by the sound of it I'd rather get lasered than scraped. I hear the recovery is shorter.
I can't wait, it's gonna be AWESOME! Hopefully I'll be cut up before the end of the month!
Yay for your cut-up eyeballs!!! ;)
I was laughing so hard (and trying to be quiet) that I think I developed stomach cramps- hilarious! Definitely made my day. ;)
Thanks for the laugh!!! I almost fell on the floor. Something like this would only happen to two people in this world...you and me! One of my stories happened when my son dragged me to a Goodwill store when he was singing/dancing at Kings' Island. A homeless woman started talking to me about "the beautiful crystal they have in here". I could hear Brock laughing in the next aisle. I considered murder but I didn't know how to find my way home from Cincinatti. Hey, Melissa, maybe we should write a book (after you get all your papers done, that is)! Between your relationship advice and my shopping, I'm sure it would be a best seller. Anyone want to order their copy now???
Love you, girl! Mom #2
Sign me up for the first copy! ;)
oh my, this story makes life worth it! I'm kicking myself for taking until today to read this post.
Just so you know, I turned red in the face for you. Haha.
You have such a gift for writting Melissa! I'd buy any book that had your name on it.
Johanna
Okay, you know how when a todler hurts himself really bad there's this little half wail, and then there's dead silence for a moment before they suck all the oxygen out of the room and a volcanic, ear-piercing shreik shatters all the glass in a half mile radious? That was me just now, only with laughing! How! Awkwaaaaaaaaaaaard!
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